I finally made it to the Pokemon League HQ. Yes, there has been a lot of crazy stuff that happened along the way--
That's bullshit, actually. It was all pretty innocuous. Here's a basic rundown of everything you missed because I didn't want to blog it:
- Caught nearly everything under the sun because G.T.E.A.M.F. (Gotta Catch 'Em All Mother-Fucker)
- Fought Yvetal, killed it, the battle restarted itself because I have to catch it apparently
- Defeated Team Flare after they basically destroyed a town; then they proceeded to commit seppuku all over the damn place
- Wonder Traded damn near everything
- Used Bibarel way too much to navigate
- Kept getting told I was "not as stylish" as the champion; I figured out what that meant back in Santalune...please stop saying this shit now
- Bought more fucking clothes than I bought Potions
- Collected every berry I could find but didn't plant shit because that's a fucking time commitment
- Crushed Serena's soul
- Obsessively alphabetized every item I had because OCD and they made a quick-sort button
And, developed the team that I would deem worthy of taking on the Elite Four:
This was the team that basically carried me through the entire game. I swapped out Talonflame for Blaziken every once in a while, but when I realized that I was sporting two Fighting-types and a team with five potential Mega Evolutions, I needed to put him down for a bit and give Talonflame a chance. He's been good, but for fuck's sake, every Fighting-type Pokemon knows a goddamned Rock-type move and wipes the floor with my bird. Regardless, I think this is really solid teaming.
Gardevoir, Lv. 65 (Psychic/Fairy)
- Psychic
- Dazzling Gleam
- Charge Beam
- Shadow Ball
[Held: Metronome]
Gardevoir is sort of my Swiss Army Knife. Psychic will take out any Poison-types or Fighting-types I might encounter, Dazzling Gleam will be my weapon again Dragon-types and Dark-types, Shadow Ball will take out any Ghost-types or fellow Psychic-types I might encounter, and Charge Beam will sort of work against Water-types and Flying-types, but it's main purpose will be to also boost her Special Attack stat. Regardless, it doesn't appear as though Gardevoir will need to use more than a single move in any battle she's fighting, so the Metronome will power up any attacks used consecutively.
Talonflame, Lv. 66 (Fire/Flying)
- Brave Bird
- Fire Blast
- Fly
- Roost
[Held: Sharp Beak]
Brave Bird is my major-hitter, but it will also cause Talonflame to be hurt with recoil; however, with Roost, I can heal that back up. If he needs a breather, Fly will take him out of attack range for one turn, and Fire Blast will just ruin anything Steel-type or Ice-type. The Sharp Beak will boost his Flying-type moves' power, so he's coming in mostly to deal with the rogue Grass-type, Bug-type, or Fighting-type.
Garchomp, Lv. 70 (Dragon/Ground)
- Rock Tomb
- Earthquake
- Crunch
- Dragon Rush
[Held: Soft Sand]
I'm actually really proud of my Garchomp. His Attack stat and HP stat are ginormous, so he's gonna be my heaviest hitter in his base form. Rock Tomb will knock out any Flying-types well and do serious shit to Fire-types, Earthquake will obliterate most of the fucking shit on the field that's weak to Ground (especially with Soft Sand boosting the power of Ground attacks), Crunch will serve to take our Psychic-types or bypass the resistances of Steel-types, and Dragon Rush will really only work on Dragon-types, but it's still fucking sweet.
Lucario, Lv. 74 (Fighting/Steel)
- Swords Dance
- Extreme Speed
- Close Combat
- Shadow Claw
[Held: Lucarionite]
Lucario has been my bro since I caught him. Being able to Mega-Evolve was also a major bonus. Swords Dance is gonna make that Attack stat explode, while Extreme Speed will make sure that he hits first...regardless of fucking anything. Close Combat is gonna be my Rock-type, Ice-type, and especially Steel-type destroyer, but I gotta make sure it's a knockout or he'll drop in both Defense and Special Defense. I've also been quite fond of having him also know Shadow Claw to utterly fuck over anyone who tries to take him out with a Psychic-type.
Venusaur, Lv. 75 (Grass/Poison)
- Petal Blizzard
- Sludge Bomb
- Toxic
- Venoshock
[Held: Venusaurite]
Mega-Goddamned-Venusaur is coming to play as well. I can only use one Mega Evolution per battle, but I may need different ones throughout the Elite Four. Granted, I could give him the Black Sludge so that he'll heal every turn, but naw...gotta go mega. Petal Blizzard is gonna be my go-to for Water-types, since he's built to be my Fairy-type wrecking ball. Sludge Bomb is more powerful than Venoshock, but if a Pokemon gets poisoned (or I decide to inflict Toxic on someone), Venoshock does way more damage. Ultimately, he's gonna be a cesspool of awesome.
Greninja, Lv. 75 (Water/Dark)
- Water Shuriken
- Night Slash
- Surf
- Substitute
[Held: Mystic Water]
Greninja, man...I love this fucking guy. Yeah, he can't Mega Evolve, but I don't think he has to, really. Mystic Water will boost the power of Surf (the most motherfucking reliable Water-type move in the game) and Water Shuriken (attacks first like Quick Attack, attacks multiple times like Fury Attack), and Night Slash is gonna be a nasty treat for anyone attempting to roll a Ghost-type or a Psychic-type my way. Finally, Substitute. He learned it naturally, I found the TM for it, but I never took it off him. It's a great way to protect your Pokemon from damage while just suffering a little HP sacrifice. Since I have the TM, though, I may swap it out for Ice Beam if I need to use an Ice-type attack
Actually, all of my Pokemon know TM moves, and since they're reusable now in Gen-VI, I might be swapping up the moves every once in a while.
Wikstrom is Steel, Malva is Fire, Drasna is Dragon, and Siebold is Water. Oh, I am happy with this team. I just gotta figure out who is first and then I can plan my team-leader accordingly. Also, unlike previous generations, you can just PICK the order in which you fight the Elite Four. I don't know if I hate it or--
SWEET MOTHER OF TITS WHO DESIGNED THIS HELLSCAPE?!?!
Oh...it's the Fire-type room. Got it. Looks like I picked Malva first.
Elite Four Trainer: Malva, the Bitch With Holes in Her Pants
You can't just sass me and expect me to not comment on your ugly-ass pants. You are not a fucking playing card.
ROUND ONE:
Kevin's Greninja, Lv. 75 vs. Malva's Pyroar, Lv. 63
Oh no...this is gonna be a slaughterhouse, isn't it?
One Surf bitch-slapped the kitty. Next?
ROUND TWO:
Kevin's Greninja, Lv. 75 vs. Malva's Talonflame, Lv. 65
Thought about going for Garchomp here and hitting the bird with Rock Tomb for x4 damage, but this thing is quick, so I need Water Shuriken.
Only hit twice, but it's down to half health--
Shit, it hit me with Brave Bird and now I'm down to half health, but the recoil damage brought this bird way down into the yellow.
Surf did it. Always Surf.
ROUND THREE:
Kevin's Greninja, Lv. 75 vs. Malva's Torkoal, Lv. 63
Keep Surfing all the live long day, goddamn it.
Yep. O.H.K.O.
ROUND FOUR:
Kevin's Greninja, Lv. 75 vs. Malva's Chandelure, Lv. 63
A Ghost-type? Night Slash would be super-effective...
But always Surf.
Snuffed the candle and secured my first victory with Talonflame and Lucario each leveling up. God, I love that fucking Experience All! Just gonna use one of my multiple Full Restores to let Greninja recover, and off we go to--
Okay...Christ, this is fucking sweet. Epic-ass Elite Four folk sitting on thrones and shit while their room literally becomes their type. Awesome.
Elite Four Trainer: Siebold, the New Wallace
I plan to send your ass back to Sootopolis City in a body-bag.
ROUND ONE:
Kevin's Venusaur, Lv. 75 vs. Siebold's Clawitzer, Lv. 63
Holy shit, all the Elite Four are gonna be basically leveled the same because you have no idea what order you're supposed to face them in. Oh goodness...I think it's time.
MEGA-GODDAMN-VENUSAUR! Petal Blizzard, bitch! Grass beats Water, which means Mega-Grass kicks your ass!
ROUND TWO:
Kevin's Greninja, Lv. 75 vs. Siebold's Starmie, Lv. 63
I know how much of a bitch these things can be, but if I swap for a safe immunity to Psychic attacks while I Night Slash the shit out of this thing as opposed to risking MgdV, I can save him for later.
Outsped the Starmie and nearly knocked it out with Night Slash, but it threw down a Light Screen and is probably gonna prompt the Full Restore from--
Yep, there it is.
Hey, the second Night Slash knocked that shit out cold this time. Yay.
ROUND THREE:
Kevin's Mega-Venusaur, Lv. 75 vs. Siebold's Barbaracle, Lv. 65
Is this a Water/Rock-type that I see here? Oh, you done goofed now.
Petal Blizzard just wrecked that pussy up in a single shot.
ROUND FOUR:
Kevin's Gardevoir, Lv. 66 vs. Siebold's Gyarados, Lv. 63
Did I mention Gardevoir knows Charge Beam? That's an Electric-type move, Mr. Water/Flying.
BAM! Critical hit and the Special Attack went up. Gyarados, sadly, survived barely to perform a Dragon Dance to increase its Attack and Speed. But son, this is how it's gonna go: you're gonna get healed with a Full Restore, but knowing now that I'm faster than you AND my Special Attack went up, I have the potential to perform two consecutive Charge Beams on your sad ass, which have not only gotten more powerful thanks to the increased Special Attack stat, but because of the Metronome, using it twice in a row will increase the power AGAIN.
Charge Beam!
Wait...it only took it down to half health? Why--?
Was it the Light Screen? It just wore off, so let's just do this again--
Waterfall! Shit, I'm down to 40/184 HP--
And the third Charge Beam missed! Goddamn it! I can't risk it...
SWAP!
Gobbled up that Waterfall like a champ, bro. You're still good at 188/229--
EARTHQUAKE?! FUCK YOU!!
Ha! Gobbled that shit up too, fucker! Petal Blizzard this bitch!
Down goes the "dragon" and I'm halfway to the champion! Healing break! Also, save break, because fuck it, I can do that.
Man, I was so sure that Gardevoir had that shit in the bag. I even gave that fucker a Pinkman. Oh well, she'll redeem against the Dragon-trainer--
Speak of the fucking devil!
Elite Four Trainer: Drasna, the Fucking Devil
Bitch, I love your sandals.
ROUND ONE:
Kevin's Gardevoir, Lv. 66 vs. Drasna's Dragalge, Lv. 63
Oh, fuck me, that's a Poison/Dragon! It's gonna resist Dazzling Gleam and it's Special Defense is super high. My best bet is gonna be a Psychic attack then...
Damn, it wasn't enough and I got hit with a Sludge Bomb. Down to 92/184 health, and Dragalge's gonna prompt a Full Restore use. However, I might be able to swing a Psychic-to-Dazzling Gleam combo to prep Gardevoir for the rest of the Dragons.
There's the Full Restore, as predicted, and like I thought, Psychic wasn't enough on its own. Now, can I get the Dazzling Gleam off or is she gonna heal Dragalge again?
Another heal. Dicks.
Dazzling Gleam was terrible...not even 1/3 damage. Eh, back to Psychic then.
Good critical! Psychic was enough!
ROUND TWO:
Kevin's Gardevoir, Lv. 66 vs. Drasna's Altaria, Lv. 63
Let's get some true Fairy action up in this bitch (because I totally forgot to teach Greninja Ice Beam before this fight). Dazzling Gleam!
Critical hit! O.H.K.O.! That's my sassy green princess!
ROUND THREE:
Kevin's Gardevoir, Lv. 66 vs. Drasna's Noivern, Lv. 65
Really wish I used that Ice Beam TM. Noivern's fast as shit...I hope Gardevoir can get a hit off.
Air Slash--AVOIDED! FUCK YEAH, GIRL!
Dazzling Gleam is another on-hit knockout! I love my sassy green princess!
ROUND FOUR:
Kevin's Gardevoir, Lv. 66 vs. Drasna's Druddigon, Lv. 63
Girl, you know how to end this. Dazzling Gleam.
That's how you end this.
Whoa, okay...that fucking Dragalge and Noivern really threw me for a loop. Gen-VI has some cool fucking Dragons that actually work in battle. Good job, GameFreak.
Heal, princess...heal.
Alright...that only leaves the Steel guy--
HOLY SHIT THERE ARE SWORDS STABBING THE FUCKING ARENA I WANT TO LIVE IN HERE.
Elite Four Trainer: Wikstrom, the Steelite Fourth
Yeah, puns.
ROUND ONE:
Kevin's Talonflame, Lv. 67 vs. Wikstrom's Klefki, Lv. 63
I'm glad I didn't lead with Lucario. Klefki weakens Fighting-type moves with it's Fairy typing, so Fire will go straight through it.
Fire Blast rips right through BooBoo Keys
ROUND TWO:
Kevin's Garchomp, Lv. 71 vs. Wikstrom's Probopass, Lv. 63
I've seen these things enough times to know that they have the Sturdy ability, which prevents one-hit KO's. The choice was between Close Combat with Mega-Lucario or Earthquake with Garchomp. Either way, it'll go down to 1 HP after the move, the Full Restore will get used, then I'll have to use the move AGAIN, Probopass will survive it AGAIN, Wikstrom will heal it AGAIN, and then two hits later with the same move, it'll finally go down. I'm not about to let Lucario's Defense and Special Defense drop by four fucking stages in a single fight. Nope.
Earthquake. Survives with Sturdy. I get hit with a weak Flash Cannon. Now I'm only at 238/286 health...whatever shall I do--?
Did I mention my Garchomp is a fucking beast? Also, his Attack is 278. Yeah. Let's keep the Earthquakes going through the healing bullshit.
Full Restore. Earthquake. Sturdy. Full Restore. Earthquake. Sturdy. Crunch. Done.
I was not wasting a PP on a single goddamned hit point.
ROUND THREE:
Kevin's Lucario, Lv. 75 vs. Wikstrom's Aegislash, Lv. 65
Mega this shit up Lucario and hit this bitch with a Shadow Claw...since none of your other attacks will work on it--
King's Shield?! The fuck?!
Oh god, it works like Protect and if I try to hit, it lowers my Attack. Balls. Try again!
Wow, this thing is a brick wall in this stance--
GAH! SACRED SWORD! That knocked me down to 46/202! Was that a fucking Fighting-type move?! Oh, this is not good.
But ha! Aegislash switched its stance to do that attack and now its Defense is shit! Knockout blow from one final Shadow Claw!
ROUND FOUR:
Kevin's Talonflame, Lv. 68 vs. Wikstrom's Scizor, Lv. 63
Gotta give Lucario a break, since I don't have many Revives, and this bitch it x4 weak to Fire! Talonflame, Fire Blast!
And so, the Elite Four fell to my prowess...but now, the champion awaits. I must heal and be ready for the fight of my life. The fight that will make or break my Kalos journey.
Oooooh, pretty...
Pokemon League Champion: Diantha, the Actor
Because let's remember that...an actor became regional champion of the Pokemon League. An actor. Dear god, what have they done?
By the way, you will definitely want to play this as you read.
ROUND ONE:
Kevin's Gardevoir, Lv. 67 vs. Diantha's Hawlucha, Lv. 64
Okay, her Pokemon have a bit more pep in their step, but I bring the motherfucking thunder!
Come on, girl! It just used Swords Dance! Use Psychic and take it out!
YEAH, SASSY GREEN! WAY TO GO!
ROUND TWO:
Kevin's Talonflame, Lv. 68 vs. Diantha's Gourgeist, Lv. 65
It's all or nothing now! Talonflame! You have the Speed and you have the heart! Brave Bird!
KABOOM! That's what I'm talking about!
ROUND THREE:
Kevin's Gardevoir, Lv. 67 vs. Diantha's Tyrantrum, Lv. 65
You've got the best shot against this awesome monstrosity, SGP! Dazzling Gleam!
Critical hit! Slammin' that bitch back to the Stone Age! So proud of you, girl...
ROUND FOUR:
Kevin's Lucario, Lv. 76 vs. Diantha's Aurorus, Lv. 65
Rock/Ice? Are you kidding me?! Lucario, Mega-Evolve and show them all what a super-powered Close Combat can do to a x4 weak opponent!
BOOM GOES THE MOTHERFUCKING DYNAMITE! ONE-HIT K.O.!
ROUND FIVE:
Kevin's Gardevoir, Lv. 67 vs. Diantha's Goodra, Lv. 66
The levels are close, but you have that brand-new immunity to Dragon-type attacks, Gardevoir! Another Dazzling Gleam!
Half damage isn't bad, but it's gearing up for a Fire Blast. Brace yourself...
Alright! Way to take that damage like a champ! Now, use that Metronome for an even more powerful Dazzling Gleam!
GOODRA FALLS! GOODRA FALLS HARD!
Only one Pokemon stands between my team and total victory, and it's...no, it...it can't be.
FINAL ROUND:
Kevin's Mega-Lucario, Lv. 76 vs. Diantha's Gardevoir, Lv. 68
She has her own sassy green princess--!
Oh...you...are...FUCKING...KIDDING...ME.
Do not panic, Lucario. We have trained tirelessly to evolve you from that Riolu I found right outside of Santalune City. You've been a staple of my journey, old friend.
I believe in you. Shadow Claw this pretender bitch back to Faerie!
We've done it...we beat her. WE BEAT HER, BOY! Everybody, we're champions now! It's time to celebrate!
I did it, Professor. I saved the Kalos region from dicks--
Wait a minute...what in the fuck is this? I didn't sign on for this shit! I beat the champion! I AM the champion! Get your ass in line, fight the eight gyms and the Elite Four, then come talk to me, douche! Okay...what are you sporting?
Torkoal? Greninja fucks you up with Surf.
Golurk? Greninja fucks you up with Surf.
Sigilyph?!?! Greninja is the ultimate weapon, dumbass! Night Slash! Are you done now?! GOOD--!
Wait...what's coming out of the sky?
Oh...oh my god, this is like the teariest thing since Cubone's mom. I can't fuckin' even--
Roll the goddamned credits.
Now how's that for closure? Hope you all enjoyed these blogs as I journeyed through the Pokemon video games, but I'm afraid it really does have to end now. Especially after this entry. I forgot how long it takes to write up the Elite Four/Champion challenge. Thank Jesus I never have to do that again.
...fucking damn it.
