Don't Look At Me Like That!

Now that I've mapped out my Eevee breeding/training plan and determined the nature of my shiny Eevee (Mild), I can start hatching my eggs and working towards creating a perfect Eevee team.  I'll bring Bibarel along just in case I run into any obstacles that require the aid of a useless beaver...

Speaking of obstacles, now that Bibarel is here, I can get a hold of that Thunder Wave TM.  Helioptile...let's get to catching more stubborn Pokemon.

An Electrike!? Shit! Thunder Wave isn't going to work here...but we're not giving up!

Woohoo! Another critical capture...after about 5 Poke Balls.  Great? I'll say...sure, why not?

Electrike:  An Electric-type Pokemon.  I didn't use mine at all in Emerald because he was terrible, but hey, maybe its eventual Mega Evolution doesn't suck all the dicks in the room.  I love me my Electric-types, so let's...let's forget about Emerald for a second.

And you know what else? Let' go for a Snubbull, too.  I've heard great things about Granbull--

Another critical capture? Very nice.  That shit is paying off.

Snubbull:  A Fairy-type Pokemon.  Now this is the pure Fairy-type I would use.  I've seen people use his evolved form, Granbull, to inflict massive damage and take a great deal of punishment in competitive play, but now that he's a Fairy-type, that's gonna open up a whole new realm of possibilities.

So, where exactly does this route end up?

Geosenge Town...interesting.  This doesn't look like a gym town, but we'll explore nonetheless.

TM66 Payback from the guy at the Pokemon Center.  What does this move do? Dark-type, base power 50, but it doubles if it attacks second? Oh yeah, I better remember that shit--

Team Flare? What the fuck are you doing here?! I'LL KILL YOU--! Wow, that dark...I'm sorry.  But still...I'll kill you.

Soft Sand just laying around...Timer Ball just laying around...and a bitch handing out Everstones! That's what I'm talking about! Hell yeah! Breeding control--!

Team Flare again...wandering down a dead end? What the fuck? Don't make me chase you down...

An ancient artifact? What...what happens here? Where did they go? What do I do now--?

Some woman told me that if I want to know more about stones, I should go to the hotel? Oh...okay?

So, some say it's an ancient burial site? For warriors? Like...Pokemon warriors, or regular human warriors? And there are stones like it in Shalour City, too? Very intriguing...but not too helpful--

Oh...there's another route out to the right.  Did not see that--

Hey, it's Korrina from Shalour City! What are you doing here--?

Oh shit, now I'm battling your Lucarios! What the fuck, I did not expect this.  Okay...let's see how this pans out.

OPPONENT #1: Lucario, Lv. 25  (Fighting/Steel-type)

CONTENDER #1: Fletchinder, Lv. 24

OH THANK GOD I PUT HIM IN THE FRONT OF THE ROSTER! Talk about fortunate.  Let's do it!

Swords Dance from Lucario...that's gonna suck.

Ember does NOT do that much damage, and that is upsetting.

Feint hits for a bit of damage, and I'm left with 42/64.  Okay, I can survive this.

Ember again and Lucario is down to less than half health.  Alright...pray for a burn somewhere.

Another Swords Dance.  Gotta take him out soon.

Ember a third time and it's not enough, but the next hit will surely take him down.

Metal Sound ravages Fletchinder's speed, but I don't mind because I got the Ember in and Lucario went down.

OPPONENT #2: Lucario, Lv. 25 (Still a fucking Fighting/Steel-type, stupid)

CONTENDER #1: Lucario, Lv. 30

Alright, missy...let's go hardcore.

Hone Claws...get ready.

Power-Up Punch does 36 damage, and I only have 51 left...so I better unleash hell now.

Force Palm! ONE.  HIT.  KNOCKOUT! I LOVE THIS GUY! LUCARIO FOREVER!

So...you're saying that once I get through the upcoming cave, I'll be in Shalour City? Cool...but fuck caves.  Is there a viable road that doesn't go through the bowels of the earth in order to--?

Nope? Of course not.  Why would there be?

Route 11...whole new set of possibilities...and the first of which is a Sitrus Berry to replace all of the Oran Berries I've been growing--Holo Clip!

Professor Sycamore? How the hell did you get this number? I don't enjoy this...

...but there's someone in Shalour City who knows a great deal about Mega Evolution? So be it.  I shall visit this guru...after I figure out what the hell is on this route, literally everything before I have to set foot in that cave--

HOLY SWEET JESUS IT'S A NIDORINO!!!! OH MAN, DID MY DAY GET SO MUCH BETTER!  In fact, it only got off one Fury Attack on me, and Pidgeotto's Rocky Helmet did more damage to it for every hit than he did! Oh, such a sweet victory, and a sweet, sweet prize if I get my hands on a Moon Stone.

Nidorino:  A Poison-type Pokemon.  I usually don't like pure Poison-types because they sucked up until the Fairy-type shit came out, but this guy was always baller.  Poisons opponents on contact, great offensive potential, and he evolves into Nidoking, who gains the Ground-type and levels houses with so little as a fart.  I always try to have a Nidoking with me if at all possible whenever a friend asks me to battle Gen-I-style...because Earthquake-Surf-Thunder will make a grown man cry.

And a Staravia, very nice.  Very nice indeed.

Staravia:  A Normal/Flying-type Pokemon.  Again, same fucking type-combo, same Attack-Speed stat preferences, but hey, I didn't get to play Gen-IV yet, so I'm eager to see what that generation's Pidgeotto is like.

Hari-fucking-yama? Shit...okay, why not! I'm down for one of them, too!

Hariyama:  A Fighting-type Pokemon.  Pure Fighting-type, but with stupid-high levels of HP.  You can't take this thing down easily, especially once it gets past that Level 30 marker.  Unstoppable.

TM69 Rock Polish...what is this--?

No time for that! Eevee is coming out of the egg! This Eevee's nature is...Relaxed? That's increased Defense, but lessened Speed.  Crap...not ideal.  Okay, maybe I should stick an Everstone on my Ditto and work from there and release this baby Eevee.  He's just dead space at this point--

Oh, do NOT look at me like that! I'm breeding! I'm releasing it into the wild to be free! Fuck off!

Now...this Rock Polish...apparently sharply raises Speed.  Okay, not bad--

A Dedenne! Granted, I hate this thing and it's just the new unevolving, unusable new Pikachu...but I love me my Electric-types...NO, I KNOCKED IT OUT! DAMN IT! Retry--! No, I don't want a Stunky! No, I DEFINITELY don't want Throh! I WANT MY LITTLE SHOCK-WEASEL!

...maybe Chingling if she cooperates, but I want my Dedenne.

She cooperated.

Chingling:  A Psychic-type Pokemon.  I...I don't know why I caught this one.  I...I hope it's good?

Now...where's my Dedenne? I'm not going to bed without one.

And a Nidorina! Hey, if I'm catching the male, I might as well try to catch the female!

BOOM! Now, I shall construct the lordly court of Nido!

Nidorina:  A Poison-type Pokemon.  Almost identical to Nidorino, but where he leans towards Attack, she leans toward Defense.  A great pairing and a very interesting journey from the gender-split Nidoran all the way up--

And no sooner do I say that, a horde of four male and one female Nidoran all appear at once.  It's a good thing, though, since Helioptile knows Parabolic Charge...and that shit hits fucking everything.

Memo to self: Team this fucker with a Zapdos or and Electivire.  Abilities for the win.
Memo to self: Tom Cedar needs this.

HA! I found you, you sneaky little shit! Get over here!

FINALLY!

Dedenne:  An Electric/Fairy-type Pokemon.  I haven't thought much about the practicality of this guy, but I imagine this little dude suddenly raping dragons is a sight to behold.

Alright! I can take a break from this shit now and reflect...

Reflection Cave.  I swear to God, I did not try to make that a pun.  I literally just typed that, then looked at the damn sign--

Don't LOOK at me like that!

Last few orders of business: tend to berry garden and take a look at my Ditto...

It's Sassy! Oh man, that means a Sylveon can be in the works next, and even a tank Snorlax! That's great news! I should come up with a wish-list of what I want and then try to accomplish that shit as soon as possible.  I just hope I get Fly soon...this biking back and forth from the daycare is starting to chafe at my nuts...in a metaphorical way...'cause it's irritating--

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT--?!

AHGODDAMNITNOTNOWABRAPANICTHROWGREATBALLCAUGHTOKAYNEVERMINDENJOYTHERESTOFYOUREVENING!

Abra:  A Psychic-type Pokemon.  Only knows Teleport until he evolves into Kadabra.  I know that Alakazam gets to Mega Evolve now, but I think I'm gonna put my eggs in the Gardevoir basket.  Besides, this capture was more for the sheer joy of snagging the elusive Abra.  Fuck you, Abra.  Open your eyes.  You're not Brock.

Frogadier, Lv. 34

Lucario, Lv. 32

Helioptile, Lv. 28

Pidgeotto, Lv. 28

Kirlia, Lv. 26

Badges: 2

RED ALERT YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKERS

Okay, Bidoof...we're heading off to Route 10 now.  Just stay in the back of my party and don't do a fucking thing to screw shit up.  Now, let's see...what is available here to the newest winner of the CLiff Badge?

First thing I see is a horde of Yanma.  This isn't promising.  Worst Bug/Flying Pokemon ever made, and it was only a commodity because it was difficult to find...but it's still worthless to me.  Snubbull, and...

I'm...I'm sorry.

No.

Wait...

Is this...

DID I JUST FIND A SHINY MOTHERFUCKING EEVEE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

RED ALERT, YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKERS! THIS IS THE MOMENT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! THIS IS THE FIRST SHINY I'VE ENCOUNTERED SINCE THE GEODUDE IN SILVER AND THIS MAKES THAT ENCOUNTER LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN WILD BIDOOF--

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT, BIDOOF! YOU KNOW YOU'RE GARBAGE SO JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT! SOUND THE KLAXONS! I WANT THIS SON OF A BITCH!!!!

Everyone...caution now...caution.  Helioptile...try Quick Attack a few times--

Okay, you're down.  I don't want to rick this, so Bidoof...get in there and be weak.

You did some damage and then you fell.  Good.  Lucario, stand in there while I throw Great Balls.

GO!

Wiggle...

Wiggle...

WIGGLE...

...

...

...

Caught.

And so, a great cry was heard throughout all of Kalos as Kevin Little caught the shiny Eevee, knowing full well the extent of its majesty and utility.  And Kevin did naught but shed a single tear, but t'was not a tear of sorrow...t'was joy that brought the tear to his eye, and joy that he did relish in for the remainder of his days.

Eevee:  A Normal-type Pokemon.  Really, though, it's anything you want it to be.  Fire, Water, Electric, Psychic, Dark, Grass, Ice, and now Fairy? Seriously one of the most valuable Pokemon possible to find shiny.  Granted, that just means that it's a different color, but fuck off, that's what makes them awesome.

Okay...take a breather, Kevin.  There are still other Pokemon to catch out there.  Let's check it out.

OOH, EMOLGA! YAY! SOOOO CUTE!!!! Gotta catch it!

Emolga:  An Electric/Flying-type Pokemon.  This was the first Electric/Flying-type since Zapdos and it's a combo I cherish.  I love Electric-types because they're, in my opinion, the strongest Pokemon out there.  Every other type of Pokemon has at least two weaknesses (including Dragon-types now especially), but Electric-types and Normal-types only have one weakness apiece.  However, even though Normal-types get the immunity to Ghost-types, they don't have any super-effective type-attacks against any other type because they're supposed to be the "neutral type".  Electric-types are weak to only Ground-type attacks and are strong against Water-types and Flying-types.  This guy is immune to Ground-type attacks, but he gains weakness to Ice-type and Rock-type attacks...but no one ever thinks to use that shit against him until at least the second round, and by that time, it's too late.

Okay, let's keep exploring--

Team Flare? What are you doing here amongst these odd stones? Fuck you, we fight!

Houndour again? Water Pulse again.

Golbat now? Inkay now--

Inkay not survive? Helioptile now--!

HELIOPTILE NOT SURVIVE?!?! LUCARIO NOW!!!! GOLBAT DIE!!!!

Now that the whole Team Flare thing is done, let's get back in the grass and--

Hawlucha! OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE POKEMON TYPE-PAIRING I'VE BEEN CLAMORING FOR! MUST CATCH IT!

Hawlucha:  A Fighting/Flying-type Pokemon.  That shit never existed before! Rock-type attacks used to be death to Flying-types, but now this guy neutralized the weakness and provided strength to hit back and hit back hard.  Awesome Pokemon, and the perfect way to represent the new type.

Oh shit, and Sigilyph are here, too? Fuck me sideways! I'll catch that, too!

Sigilyph:  A Psychic/Flying-type Pokemon.  There aren't many of this type, but this guy might be the better of them all.  He's got a sweet moveset and he doesn't evolve, meaning he'll be stronger earlier on when you need him and just barely sub-par when you hit the Elite Four.  Also, he take a quarter of the damage from Fighting-type attacks.  Very nice.

Man, that was much harder than it was worth, but screw it, this guy is cool--

AND GOLETT?!? Man, I friggin' love Route 10! Just throw me an Elekid and I'll build a house here--and I knocked it out.  Shit--ANOTHER ONE! With a critical capture! Aww, yeah, that mechanic is working!!!

Golett:  A Ground/Ghost-type Pokemon.  Again, beautiful immunity-typing.  Immune to Normal-type and Electric-type attacks, meaning this is the anti-Helioptile.  Plus, he knows a lot of sweet punching moves, so that's good.  His ability Klutz is kind of shit, though, since he can't use held items in battle, so there's that.

And what's this? Is my worthless sack of shit finally evolving?! I think it is!

Bibarel:  A Normal/Water-type Pokemon.  The only one of its kind and he's a shitty waste of life.  The most powerful Water-type move he learns naturally is Water Gun.  Fuck, I once taught my Rattata Water Gun in a Red play-through.  This guy in nothing special at all.

Dumb beaver.  Learn Strength! Now, I can drop my shiny Eevee off at the daycare and breed me some serious Eeveelutions.  That means going back through the Connecting Cave...but hey, I found the TM for Aerial Ace, so that's good--

And the TM for Frustration! Ha!

Pidgeotto...get ready for the hate-treatment--

ZUBATS!!! I FUCKING KNEW IT!!! I DIDN'T ENCOUNTER A SINGLE ONE ON MY FIRST PASS THROUGH BUT FUCK ALL HERE THEY ARE!

Okay...without anymore distractions, Eevee has been safely dropped off at the daycare.  Now, depending on the natures that come out of the baby Eevees, that will determine their evolution-training. Now, I can progress through the rest of the game knowing that I will have all the of the Eeveelutions.

Now, let's get back to Cyllage City and head up passed the rocks and find new shit.

Oh, and I finally caught that Absol while on my way back.  And a Zubat...because fuck it.

Absol:  A Dark-type Pokemon.  One of the stronger pure Dark-types in the game, and a valuable component against the ever-present Psychic threat looming in the distance.  Attack stat is way high and he can Mega Evolve, so that's pretty killer.

Zubat:  A Poison/Flying-type Pokemon.  Low levels, terrible moves, and constant presence in caves made them a fucking nightmare in earlier games, but now that he can evolve through Golbat into Crobat (which is actually quite good) and the fact that my Experience Share spreads experience like the plague, I don't have to grind him personally.  Definitely would be nice to have a Crobat later on.

Hey, it looks like I need a Strength Pokemon to get this item over here on Route, so I better hop back to the daycare and--

I ALREADY HAVE AN EGG? Wow, that was quick.  Let's put that away for when I can hatch it...which is when can't record what I'm doing in blog-form.

The only thing left to do for tonight is adjust the party and give people who haven't been used often a chance to shine...also, I caught a Whismur.

Because Pumbloom.  Google it.

Whismur:  A Normal-type Pokemon.  Pretty standard, but it gains immunity to sound-based attacks, which is pretty useful when you think of how many there actually are of those.  And they evolve pretty quickly, so that's nice.

Did ya Google Pumbloom yet? Fucking do it already.

Frogadier, Lv. 32

Lucario, Lv. 29

Helioptile, Lv. 24

Kirlia, Lv. 23

Fletchinder, Lv. 22

Axew, Lv. 14

Badges: 2

LUCARIO FOREVER, SLUTS!!!

Grant! I demand satisfaction and I've come to claim it!

Cyllage City Gym: Grant, the Cupcake-Hair-Looking-Ass Motherfucker

Honestly, his hair looks like a goddamned cupcake and that shit is unacceptable.

OPPONENT #1: AMAURA, Lv. 25 (Rock/Ice-type)

A Rock/Ice-type? Oh no, sweetheart.  You've made a terrible mistake.

CONTENDER #1: LUCARIO, Lv. 26

Let's not take any chances here.  Lucario, Hone Claws!

Thunder Wave? That shit ain't gonna stop me!

Even after a Take down, Lucario stands strong.  Lucario, use Force Palm!

Ka-BOOM! One-hit knockout! That's what Super Training does, motherfucker! And that you're x4 weak to Fighting-type attacks? What chance did you think you had?!

OPPONENT #2: TYRUNT, Lv. 25 (Rock/Dragon-type)

You think I'm gonna stop here, fucker?

CONTENDER #1: LUCARIO, Lv. 26

Even if I'm paralyzed, I still got a Paralyze Heal, son! Let's use it!

Bite?! Come on! I'm a Lucario! 42/76 HP left and I don't give no shits!

Force Palm again! One-hit knockout! Grant...I just stuck my dick in your gym, whether you wanted it or not.  I took it from behind, son.  Your gym is now my gym.  I'm gonna call it Tiffany.  This gym is now called Tiffany and Tiffany is the name of my bitch.  Do you understand the dynamic now, Grant? LUCARIO FOREVER, SLUTS!

Now I earned the Cliff Badge and the TM for...shit, I never got to see the signature Rock-type move in battle! Haha! Okay, what is your gym's move, Grant? Rock Tomb?! That's it?! Shit, I saw a Relicanth use that shit several trainers back! That shit ain't nothing on me...but I'll take it becuase fuck you and Lucario forever.

Now that all that is done, I should actually go and teach my Bidoof Strength like I said I would--

IT CAN'T LEARN STRENGTH?!?! IS THAT A BIBAREL THING?!?!?! Oh, goddamn it.  Okay...well, that's what we're gonna be doing for the foreseeable future...evolve the Bidoof.

Goddamn it, Bidoof...

Frogadier, Lv. 30

Ivysaur, Lv. 28

Lucario, Lv. 26

Helioptile, Lv. 20

Inkay, Lv. 14

Bidoof, Lv. 6 (goddamn it, Bidoof)

Badges: 2