BULLDOZE

I...love...this...gym.

Love it.  FUCKING LOVE IT!

The entire thing is a game-show, but not just any game-show...

It's motherfucking "Who's That Pokemon!" Bitch, I haven't played that shit since I was ten! But holy shit, is this fucking satisfying.

You know what else is satisfying? An Adamant Gabite EV-trained to max Attack and HP stats who knows Bulldoze in an Electric-type Gym.

Got a Dedenne? Uh oh...I better watch out if you use a Fairy-type move against my Dragon-type--

Oh wait! BULLDOZE.

A Raichu, you say? That was a very difficult opponent back in Vermillion City.  I had to make a special trip out to Diglett's Cave every time I--

Oh wait.  BULLDOZE.

Ampharos! I love those, but now that they can Mega Evolve into a Dragon-type, I run into the issue--

BULLDOZE.

Alright, Clemont, are we good to go here, or do I have to keep using BULLDOZE--

OH FUCK ME! Aww, I'm an asshole! I completely forgot that in quiz gyms, the better thing to do is get the answers wrong so you can fight more trainers, earn more money, and get more experience! Shit, I went straight through because I'm an ace at "Who's That Pokemon!"  Maybe I, the player, should have thought about that more thoroughly before proceeding through the gym...but nope.  Decided to BULLDOZE.

Lumiose City Gym: Clemont, the Anti-Tom

I am going to obliterate you the way only a true aficionado of Electric-types can...by pummeling you with your one, feared weakness!

OPPONENT #1: EMOLGA, Lv. 35 (Electric/Flying-type)

CONTENDER #1: GABITE, Lv. 35 (Dragon/Ground-type)

You...motherfucker.  Flying is immune to Ground, so my Gabite can't bulldoze! He can't bulldoze!! What the fuck am I gonna do?

Emolga's Aerial Ace attack hits first and takes me down to 84/118.  Damn, this is gonna be a tough battle if I can't--

ROCK TOMB.  Oh, did 80% of your health just disappear because my Ground-type also knows a Rock-type move, the only other move-type that you're weak to besides Ice? Oops.

And with the Speed drop caused by Rock Tomb, I can swing in and hit Emolga with a mighty Dragon Claw, knocking it out.

OPPONENT #2: MAGNETON, Lv. 35 (Electric/Steel-type)

D'aww, I want one!

CONTENDER #1: GABITE, Lv. 35 (Dragon/Ground-type)

What shall I do? Steel is a very powerful defensive--

BULLDOZE--

Oh, that didn't knock it out? Oh, Magneton has the Sturdy ability, meaning it can't be knocked out in a single hit.  That's inconvenient.

Electric Terrain? I've never heard of that move before, but apparently, an electric current is surging through the battle field.

Clemont used a Hyper Potion to heal, but no matter, I got another Bulldoze waiting for you--

STURDY WORKS WHENEVER THE POKEMON IS AT FULL HEALTH?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! If he uses more potions, I swear to God, I'll throw this kid from the top of this gym--

There it is.  Another fucking Hyper Potion.  FUCK.  YOU.

BULLDOZE! BULLDOZE IT UNTIL HIS INVENTORY DIES!

HA! Didn't have a third Hyper Potion, did ya? Suck it up, Buttercup.  Maybe you should have invested in some.

CONTENDER #3: HELIOLISK, Lv. 37 (Electric/Normal-type)

Oh my god, this thing looks cool, and apparently it's as big as a Gabite! Man, when I breed a nice Heliolisk with Dry Skin and teach it Rain Dance, this monster evolution is gonna be unstoppable--

CONTENDER #1: GABITE, Lv. 35 (Dragon/Ground-type)

Unless BULLDOZE--

Oh, you got a Quick Attack in.  That's fantastic.  Good for you.  Also, Bulldoze.  K.O.

The Voltage Badge is mine! Mine, I say--!

And the Thunderbolt TM!!! Oh, now it truly has begun! The most reliably-power-yet-accurate Electric-type move ever! Oh, the electricity...

Gardevoir can learn this? Oh my, yes.  That is going to be an amazing thing: Psychic/Fairy with an Electric twist.  Ooh, I can almost feel my loins tingling--

Yep, there they go.  All the tingles--

Wait, no...it's my Holo-caster.  Someone's calling me--

SYCAMORE?! NO! NOT THIS! MY LOINS! WHY?!?

The Lysandre Cafe...to talk?

I am drinking nothing that you give me.

Greninja, Lv. 48

Lucario, Lv. 46

Venusaur, Lv. 45

Blaziken, Lv. 43

Gardevoir, Lv. 37

Gabite, Lv. 35

Badges: 5

Nobody Fucks With The Power Plant!

The Power Plant looks amazing, the music is fucking sweet as hell...but there isn't a single fucking Pokemon in here save for the ones Team Flare brought with them...which is really sad, because a Magnemite would have been so awesome right about now.  Ever since Generation-II when they double-up the typing to Electric/Steel, I have seriously considered a Magneton in some way for my journey through the game.  It looks like I might have to settle for after I gain access to the Friend Safari...wherever the hell that is.

Team Flare Scientist Aliana is siphoning all of the electricity from Lumiose City for some nefarious reason? You bitch! Nobody fucks with the power plant!

You better have a solid roster to back your ass up--

You have one Mightyena.  Honestly, you've made one of the dumbest tactical errors I could have imagined.  I'm sporting not only a Blaziken/Lucario tag-team that will ruin your life in a matter of seconds thanks to their monstrous attack power with Fighting-typing behind it, but even my Greninja knows Power-Up Punch to increase its attack every turn, and with a resistance to your one type thanks to its Dark-type secondary and the move Substitute which puts up a meaty, meaty wall that will absorb most of the damage you might do to it.

Do you feel like you did a smart thing fucking with the power plant? Because you shouldn't do that.  That shit ruins lives.

Believe me, I know.

Now that you've fucked off, I can loot this amazing place for all the splendors it has to offer.  The TM for Flare Charge, a Zap Plate AND a Magnet to increase the power of my Electric-type Pokemon's attacks? Aww, you shouldn't have.  Thanks!

Now, just to get out of these badlands and get back to--

For FUCK'S SAKE THESE DIGGERS HAVE TO STOP! Okay, lemme break this shit down for you: I put Bibarel back in the party for a while because I noticed some breakable rocks around the badlands and I like free stuff...but the badlands kicked up a windstorm that makes moving very difficult on the roller skates, and there isn't tall grass...just burrowing fuckers who lock onto you like motherfucking Shai-Hulud and trap you into an inescapable battle (since most of the Pokemon here have the Arena Trap ability, meaning no-switchy-no-runny).  But, I found the Charge Beam TM, a Fire Stone, a Rare Candy to auto-level any Pokemon I want, and a weird homeless dude talking about flower Pokemon who disappeared shortly after talking.

And a Slugma.  I also found a Slugma.

Slugma:  A Fire-type Pokemon.

Hey, I'm back in Lumiose City! And they lit up the big thing--

Wait...that little boy is the gym leader? A brilliant engineer and inventor...and he looks like he's twelve. Tom Cedar tries to invent one thing and he's looked at like he's Josef Mengele.  I bet this little gym leader prick has no idea--

If he's the gym leader, where the hell is the--?

HOLY SWEET FUCKER OF FUCKS THE EIFEL TOWER IS THE GODDAMNED GYM?!?!?!?! I AM RIGHT THERE RIGHT NOW!!!

Greninja, Lv. 43

Lucario, Lv. 42

Venusaur, Lv. 40

Blaziken, Lv. 40

Gabite, Lv. 28

Flaafy, Lv. 16

Badges: 4

Love The Gible

Pika pika, motherfuckers.

Pikachu:  An Electric-type Pokemon.  Seriously...no, fucking seriously now: if you are reading this blog and don't understand what the fuck a Pikachu is, then honestly, I have no idea why you're even here.  I mean, my mother knows what a fucking Pikachu is and she hates Pokemon with a passion.  For fuck's sake, it's the mascot of the goddamned franchise! They changed it's official cry in the wild to reflect how he sounds in the anime!

So, before I can head out to Route 13 to the power plant (squee of joy), Dexio and Sina come by to upgrade my Pokedex, which is pretty nice of them--

Hold on, let me just readdress this, just in case you didn't actually know what a Pikachu was: the entirety of the Pokemon fandom is in a continuous state of uproar over this fucking rat because it is simultaneously god-like in its powers, able to completely ignore in-game type mechanics, while simultaneously losing to the weakest possible Pokemon out there.  I mean, they gave him his own game...like seven times?! Why are you still here?!?! Do you owe me some kind of favor?! Did you think that by reading this, you were showing me support? If you don't know what a Pikachu is, you're not my target demographic.  Go back to YouTube, please.  I don't want to bore you any longer with shit that you can't possibly find interesting.

So, Route 13 is a stretch of badlands where--

WHAT THE FUCK IS FOLLOWING ME IN THE DIRT?! AM I IN GODDAMNED TREMORS?!?

GIBLE! LOVE THE GIBLE--NO, I FUCKING KILLED IT! THAT THING IS A MEGA-EVOLVING DRAGON/GROUND-TYPE! GODDAMN IT, WHY?!?!?!

Fuck.  That sucked.  At least I caught a Dugtrio.

Dugtrio:  A Ground-type Pokemon.  He's way faster than you'd think, and that's one of the reasons why he was a monster against Lieutenant Surge.  Hell, if you needed a solid Ground-type, there was always a chance to catch one of these bad boys.  And Magnitude was such an awesome move when it got developed because it was like playing roulette with power...and if you hit Magnitude 10, nothing was left standing.

But I am not leaving until I find me a Gible.  That shit is awesome--

GIBLE! LOVE THE GIBLE! A-games, everyone! Gardevoir, get this fucker down low with Magic Leaf! Good, now--SHIT! Take Down? Okay, fuck, it's still alive but it's really close to death.  Don't use that shit again, little dude--

Okay great.  You didn't use it, but you took out Gardevoir.  Greninja...stand in there and make sure he doesn't leave.  I'm prepping the Ultra Balls.

Come on, little guy, stay in the ball...YES! GIBLE! LOVE THE GIBLE!

Gible:  A Dragon/Ground-type Pokemon.  Yes, it's hyper-weak to Ice-type attacks, but it's immune to Electric-type attacks, and is a nasty, nasty destroyer of worlds, especially since it can Mega Evolve.  I mean, just look at what it can turn into and you'll understand:

Now I gotta fly back to town and heal--man, it's good to say that finally.

Hey, there are Trapinch here, too! That's pretty sweet! They eventually become Ground/Dragon-types, too!

Trapinch:  A Ground-type Pokemon.  It will evolve into the Ground/Dragon-type Pokemon Flygon.  Yes, it's redundant.  I'm aware.

Well, both Gible and Trapinch are going to end up being Dragon/Ground Pokemon, so I might as well pick one to focus on for now then worry about the other one later.  Let's look at the Gible--

He's got an Adamant nature?! Are you serious?! Oh, he's getting EV-trained right now! His nature indicates an accelerated growth of his Attack stat and a decelerated growth of his Special Attack stat...which I have no intention of utilizing.  He will be a meaty striker indeed--!

Actually, when does he evolve into Gabite?

Oh, at the next level? Fucking RIGHT NOW! Get out of that PC box--!

Hey, I caught my Mareep at Lv. 14? He's gonna evolve in one level, too.  Eh, let's get him out here for training, too.  Ampharos is gonna be awesome.

Flaaffy:  An Electric-type Pokemon.  Evolving at Level 15 makes this little fella a very handy and quickly-powerful Electric-type to have.  Also, the first Electric-type to have three evolution stages without needing to breed to get the baby form--

YOU HAD BETTER FUCKING KNOW ABOUT PIKACHU BY NOW! I'm just saying.

Okay, this whole training regimen didn't quite work out exactly as I intended.  Thank you, Experience Share.  I still love my Flaaffy, but I need to do more training, I suppose--

Boop! There it is!

Gabite:  A Dragon/Ground-type Pokemon.  Already his Attack stat has jumped fairly high, and knowing that his HP is going to be very high very soon, there will be little to prevent Garchomp's rise to power.

LOVE THE GABITE--!

A pass into the Power Plant? Don't mind if I do!

Greninja, Lv. 43

Lucario, Lv. 42

Venusaur, Lv. 40

Blaziken, Lv. 40

Gabite, Lv. 28

Flaafy, Lv. 16

Badges: 4

Colon Toast

First few steps into Coumarine City and I get a Good Rod.  Nice place.  I'm liking it here.  Where's the Pokemon Center and where is the gym?

Wandered off and got TM 100: Confide for answering a quiz from this bitch.  The answer to the quiz? Confide.  Well played--I'd get another TM tomorrow?! Sweet! I'll be there! Where is everything else?

I have to take the monorail to get to the gym and the Pokemon Center? Fine, I guess--

Diantha? What are yo doing here--?

PROFESSOR SYCAMORE! GAH! YOU--HOW?!

HM 02: Fly? I...I'll take it.  Thank you.  I'm gonna need my Ducklett now...but maybe I should just give it to Fletchinder for now.  I mean, I still have Aerial Ace as a TM...I just need to find a move deleter.  Then again, I never use Agility, so--Diantha, what the fuck are you still doing here?

Oh...a battle the next time we meet? I, uh...okay? Bye? What the fuck was that about?

Eh...monorail time.  So French.

A Metronome? If I use one move over and over again, that move's power will increase.  Not bad for a Pokemon who knows something like Rollout.

Okay, so what's there to find on this side of the city--?

Hey, the gym appears to be in another cave of some--

AHH! SERENA! Shit, I was not expecting you so soon.  Fortunately, I have my team swapped out for stuff that should take out a Grass-type gym very quickly.  Please tell me you've made smarter choices this time around?

The same Meowstic, just slightly higher level? Sigh...Fletchinder, come back.  I'm sending out my Mega Lucario and giving this thing a chance to do something before I wreck house with Shadow Claw.

One hit K.O. after a weak Fakeout attack.  If you send out Absol, I'm going to weep for you--

Absol.

Force Palm.  Need I say more?

And now the Quilladin.  Back out goes Fletchinder to wreck you again.

Embers all around, and you're done--

Fletchinder?! WHAT?!? EVOLVING?!?

TALONFLAME!!!!!!! SUPERIOR BEING!!!!

Talonflame:  A Fire/Flying-type Pokemon.  This motherfucker looks boss as hell.  The Dreadhawk.  Still 4x weak to Rock-type attacks, but hey, who really gives a shit at this point? I have a flaming hawk.

Well, if there's nothing keeping me from the gym...I guess I might as well check her out.  I mean, I do have a Talonflame now, and that thing is nasty.

Hey! This is the place from the trailer with all the swingy vines and shit! Cool!

Old man Ramos? Okay, Ramos...get ready for me and my searing fires of justice!

Also, I taught my Combusken Poison Jab and gave him the Poison Barb to increase the power of all Poison-type moves he uses...so...yeah.  There's also that to worry about.

Oh...and he's a Blaziken now, thanks to your apprentices.

Blaziken:  A Fire/Fighting-type Pokemon.  This guy...this guy...so much this guy.  The first starter to be banned from competitive play because of its broken power level.  He hits hard, hits fast, and doesn't give a shit.

And he now knows Blaze Kick.  Actually, you know what? I'm gonna you absolutely no chance here.  I'm taking the Poison Barb and re-equipping his Blazikenite.  And why is that? Because the first trainer I found in your gym had a Simisage.

Fuck those monkeys.

Coumarine City Gym: Ramos, the Oldest Gym Leader Ever

Older than Pryce of Mahogany Town, I'll presume.

OPPONENT #1: JUMPLUFF, Lv. 30 (Grass/Flying-type)

CONTENDER #1: BLAZIKEN, Lv. 38 (Fire/Fighting-type)

You understand that there is nothing to stop me? I am the fastest thing alive and I will rip you apart.  Blaziken! Mega Evolve and use Blaze Kick!

Hells yeah! Mega Blaziken gonna shove his fiery foot up your ass! COLON TOAST--!

IT AVOIDED THE ATTACK?!?! NO COLON TOAST?!?! COME ON!!!

Okay, so it takes a substantial hit from the Jumpluff's Acrobatics and I'm down to 61/117 health.  Can we try the colon toast again?

Now it hits and Jumpluff explodes.

OPPONENT #2: GOGOAT, Lv. 34 (Grass-type)

CONTENDER #1: MEGA BLAZIKEN, Lv. 38 (Fire/Fighting-type)

Not risking the poor accuracy.  Gonna go straight for Poison Jab--

IT SURVIVED?!?! By the seat of its pants, but it survived--and was poisoned.

Gogoat responds with Bulldoze and knocks Blaziken down to 26 HP.  Granted, the poisoning takes it out in the next turn, but good gravy, that was disconcerting.

OPPONENT #3: WEEPINBELL, Lv. 31 (Grass/Poison-type)

CONTENDER #1: MEGA BLAZIKEN, Lv. 39 (Fire/Fighting-type)

He blew his load early, didn't he? Gogoat was the champ and now he's left with Weepinbell? Oh...that's almost sad.

Blaze Kick.  Colon toast.  Plant Badge.

Now I can use Fly outside of battle! Yay! Now I can go back to Santalune Forest and see if I can find a Pikachu...because apparently, I missed that shit entirely.

TM 86: Grass Knot...hurts the opponent the heavier it is? Sounds legit to me.  Venusaur, learn it.  Let's heal up an head out--

MR. BONDING! NO! WAIT! I JUST WANT TO--GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I hate it when he does that...

Greninja, Lv. 42

Lucario, Lv. 42

Venusaur, Lv. 39

Blaziken, Lv. 39

Fletchinder, Lv. 36

Gardevoir, Lv. 34

Badges: 4

P.S. - Lysandre just called me on my goddamned Holo-Caster telling me that Professor Sycamore told him about me being able to wield Mega Evolution.  Just fucking awesome.  Nice going there, Professor.  Fucking perfect.