Don't Touch Me

Alright, let's just wipe up the rest of the trainers here and then we can--

Woah, holy shit, dude! You ain't seen combat since the gym and you already evolved?! At this rate, the Experience Share is gonna fully evolve all of my Pokemon before the third gym! And shit, he even evolved before my starter...

We'll get there, dude.  We'll get there.

Combusken:  A Fire/Fighting-type Pokemon.  This is the shit I was telling you about.  Now, of my starters, I have a potential Water/Dark and a Fire/Fighting, which covers a very good spread of different types.

Who are you finely-dressed folks?

Dexio and Sina...and you work for the professor! Will you take me to him?

Yes! Progress!

The Return TM...very cool.  Not for Pidgey, though...

I don't think I'll ever be able to teach a Pidgey Return from this point on--

Wait a miniute...can TMs be used multiple times?!?! HOLY SHIT! What a world we live in! And to think, I had thought the DM for "An Iridescent Adventure" just made that shit up on the fly so that TMs could be convenient! Wow.  Good change, GameFreak.  I've been getting paranoid about using TMs because I didn't want to use them on the wrong Pokemon, but it's clear that such a fear is a thing of the past!

Lumiose City...so I'm going to go out on a limb here and make a correlation between this city and a real-life city.

How did I do? Well? Good.

Hey, I think I found the lab over here--

Professor Sycamore--

Wait...why the fuck is there sexy violin and accordion music playing when I meet the professor? This doesn't feel right--

None of this makes me happy...

Don't you fucking touch me, you sick son of a bitch--

Wait, woah, what?! I have to fight Professor Sycamore?! This is not a thing that's happened before! I wonder what he's gonna throw down with.

OPPONENT #1: BULBASAUR, Lv. 10 (Grass/Poison-type)

Say whaaaaaaaat! Mah G! Nice selection, Professor!

CONTENDER #1: COMBEE, Lv. 12

Ain't no way Grass/Poison is gonna take out a Bug/Flying.  No ways, bro.

Combee starts things off with a Gust and we hit this Bulbasaur hard--

Vine Whip? Are you kidding me? Get that weak shit outta here! Gust again! Into the red--

Vine Whip again--? Motherfucker, did you not see what happened the first time? You are a Pokemon professor, goddamn it!

Gust.  Done.  Next?

OPPONENT #2: CHARMANDER, Lv. 10 (Fire-type)

Oh NO you DIDN'T, Sycamore! Charmander's my homie!

CONTENDER #1: FROAKIE, Lv. 14

I hate to do this to a Charmander, but...Water Pulse.

Yeah...that's what I thought.

OPPONENT #3: SQUIRTLE, Lv. 10 (Water-type)

Motherfucker, you got all three! It's like fighting Professor Oak...but French and way more rapey.

CONTENDER #1: RALTS, Lv. 11

An odd choice, yes, but I need to level this guy and I don't yet have anything strong against Water-types.

My future-Gardevoir starts off with Confusion.  It doesn't do too much damage, but Squirtle is now confused--

And it hurt itself! Well done, Ralts!

Yes, you.  I sorta neglected you in Emerald after the whole Brawly fiasco, but we're gonna be good friends now that you're a Fairy-type as well as a Psychic-type.

Confusion again takes Squirtle down to the yellow.  Going well so far.

Squirtle snapped out of its confusion and hit with Tackle for 9 damage.  It's okay.  At this rate, you can take one more before I have to worry.

Confusion a third time and Squirtle is now facing defeat with little health left.  This next move will be crucial--

And it's a Tail Whip.  Good game, Professor.  Good game.

Confusion.  Done.

So...now what, Professor? You gonna try to slip me some wine or something--?

...what?

...I can't breathe.

Oh my god, what the fuck am I supposed to do?! You're asking me to pick a Kanto starter?! Alright...we need to be judicious about this shit.  Granted, I own SoulSilver and FireRed, so it's not like I'm never going to see the other starters again, but this is going to shape the way I play everything from here on out.

CHARMANDER/CHARIZARD:

I mean, Christ! It's fucking Charmander! My first-ever Pokemon, the little guy who carried me through a majority of "Return to Red", and he gets to mega-evolve in this game! Granted, I bought Y, so the sweet Fire/Dragon combo is out, but I liked Mega-Charizard Y so much better because he looked more true to Charizard and Drought is amazing.  Then again, I already have a Combusken and a Fletchling; do I really need another Fire-type, let alone a Fire/Flying-type who's been generally panned by competitive play?

SQUIRTLE/BLASTOISE:

The weapon of my enemy, Fag-Bag.  Truly, this would be a remarkable and fitting choice when considering the past...but the future? Blastoise is powerful, yes, but I already have a Water-type starter who is going to evolve into a secondary Dark-type.  Blastoise will remain a pure Water-type, even after the mega-evolution, and even worse, the new ability isn't even that good.  It improves the power of only Water Pulse and Dark Pulse, and I would want you to know a Ground-type move or an Ice-type move if you were to join me.  Having your strongest Water-type move, in that case, being Water Pulse is not good enough for me.

BULBASAUR/VENUSAUR:

Now, this is interesting indeed.  I don't have a Grass-type or a Poison-type yet, and considering that Fairy-types are weak to Poison-types, this is going to be a very strong advantage.  Furthermore, if you look at my other starters, the end results will be a Water/Dark and a Fire/Fighting.  This would be a perfect addition to maintain utility through variety.  Not only is Venusaur's Special Defense amazing, but with Thick Fat, you'll be a force to be reckoned with.  Also, I find it oddly suiting that, for one who was almost never picked in Generation-I, you are one of the best competitive Pokemon in the game to-date.

SO BE IT!

Yaaaaaaaaay, Bulbasaur!

Bulbasaur:  A Grass/Poison-type Pokemon.  Now I have the Grass-Water-Fire triangle covered, and with the Poison-type, I can burn my way through Fairy-type Pokemon, of which I don't really recall any other weaknesses besides Steel-type moves, which won't come until much later.

Fletchling, you're going to need to spend some time in the PC while I level this guy up.  No offense, but you're still only a Normal/Flying-type and Pidgey has that covered.  I need versatility right now more than anything.

So, I guess at this point, you give us our grand mission.  Isn't that about where this is going, Sycamore? What is our mission?

Everything about this hurts.

Well, Serena is going to learn more about mega-evolution at Camphrier Town and she invited me to meet her at Cafe Soleil...so I'm gonna go there.

'Cause she's hot.

And you probably want to molest me.

Don't touch me.

I'll just walk around your lab for a bit and see what I can find.

Hmm, some Luxury Balls, the TM for False Swipe, and...

This guy...named Lysandre...who looks awfully suspicious.  Almost "team" suspicious.  But he says he wants to make to world more beautiful, and that can't be all that bad, right?

Right? I mean, it's not like he's going to terraform the earth, liberate all Pokemon from their trainers and gain complete control over all of them, summon legendary creationists in order to undo the cosmos, or create a massive crime syndicate that will use Pokemon to take over the world.

...right?

Combusken, Lv. 17

Froakie, Lv. 15

Pidgey, Lv. 15

Combee, Lv. 13

Ralts, Lv. 11

Bulbasaur, Lv. 10

Pokedex: 10, Badges: 1