Team Ass-Whoopin'

Rhyhorn, for fuck's sake, can you move ANY FASTER?! And you steer like an epileptic forklift...if that's a thing.  And if it is, you fucking steer like it--

Woah, slow the fuck down! Ri...Riolu?

Holy shit, is this really happening at just Lv. 22?! Super Training, PokemonAmie...thank you!

FUCK YEAH, LUCARIO!!!!! You are gonna be with me for the long haul, my brother!

Lucario:  A Fighting/Steel-type Pokemon.  This guy...woof.  He can go either way with Special Attack or straight-up physical Attack, but his Mega Evolution leans more towards the physical, so that's how I trained him.  He's fast as shit, powerful as shit, and because he's a Steel-type also, he takes regular damage from Psychic-type attacks.  Teaching him a Ghost-type move or a Dark-type move is going to make him my Psychic-type killer, so I gotta look out for that.

Now that we got that business out of the way, let's heal up and head on into the Glittering Cave to see what's going on with this Mega Evolution shit...because now you can do that Lucario, and you better soon.

Wow...it's kind of dark in here...and a little creepy--

HOLY SHIT ONIX!! That came outta fucking nowhere, and especially with the 3D shit, that was more than a little fucking scary.  Good thing Ivysaur is leading the pack.

So, there's Onix here, clearly...and Rhyhorn, too! Nice! I want my own Rhyhorn!

Yeah, just like my mom!

Rhyhorn:  A Ground/Rock Pokemon.  Finally a solid Ground-type.  He used to just evolve into Rhydon at a high level, but ever since Gen-IV, you could evolve him once more into Rhyperior and have him be a lightning rod to absorb all the Electric-type attacks in a double-battle.  Besides, Rhyhorn is kick-ass.

And Machop, too? Now, you see...this is how caves should be done.  Lot of Rock-types and Ground-types, occasional Fighting-types...and no Zubats.  I do love me some Machop...catching it.

Machop:  A Fighting-type Pokemon.  Another solid Fighting-type, but unlike my others, he's going to stay a pure Fighting-type, which gives him a significant advantage over Rock-types.  Machamp served me very well in Emerald and his training regimen is fairly straightforward, so he's a definitely solid addition.

Lunatone? That thing was a bitch to take out in Emerald.  Fuck that thing.  Psychic/Rock-type with a decent Special Defense.  What does that mean? It means even the shit he was weak against didn't do that much damage to him.  I had Water-type and Grass-type attacks covered, but the only thing higher than his Special Defense was his Special Attack and he just kept wiping the floor with my Special fighters.  I just needed to persevere through a grueling ordeal with Slaking to take him down, and that is something I have no interest in perpetuating.

Ooh, the TM for Shadow Claw! Very nice! Who can learn that? Let's see...oh, Lucario can, meaning he doesn't need Foresight anymore! Very nice! And let's throw Hone Claws on top of that and we have a very daunting blue blue jackal! This is the kind of attack I was waiting for to turn him into a Psychic-destroyer, and especially now with Hone Claws to increase his Attack and accuracy by one stage each time the move is selected, he's gonna ruin lives.

Hey, I think I found the way out--

Oh shit, Team Flare is here! And they're music is bitchin'!

Their goal is to make it so they're the only ones who are happy? That's...a little unspecific.

Screw it! Fight time!

A Houndour? Oh, son...you done goofed.  A Fire/Dark-type ain't the way to go here; I put Frogadier in the front and Water Pulse is how he do.

And now a Zubat? Dude...Kirlia is right here, bro, but I think Helioptile needs some time to shine.  I'd rather take you out with your weakness from Flying than your weakness to Poison anyway because I feel like it would hurt more.

Charge and Thundershock and that's all she wrote, motherfucker!

More Team Flare?! I got enough ass-whooping for all y'all! In fact, I'm from Team Ass-Whoopin'!

Alright...so I still really have no idea what Team Flare is about, what their preferred style is, what their real goals are, and why they want fossils...but Serena showed up to join Team Ass-Whoopin', and we take on all applicants!

You can use restored fossils to make...money? Okay, this is all seeming very trite to me--

Hey, researcher dude, we've come to recuse you from Team Flare--you had no idea they were here, did you? Oh well--

You have fossils for us! Okay, I have a shit Tyrunt already that I have to breed into awesomeness once I find an Everstone, but I'll take that Sail Fossil and get an Amaura, please.  I guess now we go and revive it and then--

Challenge the Cyllage City Gym? I thought for sure Shalour City was the next gym, but oh well, that's probably coming soon enough.  Let's go.

Another Onix? Perhaps I should catch this one.  Who knows when and where I'll find some Metal Coating, and then a Steelix is in my future.

Onix:  A Rock/Ground-type Pokemon.  He's never been very good, ever since Gen-I.  His Defense was among the highest in the game at that point, but his other stats were so low that they made him essentially useless.  However, you can evolve him into a Steelix, which means for fuck's sake, his Defense will skyrocket and at that point, it doesn't matter what sort of other stats he has; he's the iron curtain.  Say, that's not a bad nickname for when I breed this Steel monster--

Speaking of metal, there's Mawile in here, too! Very nice! Wait, why is it immune to Pidgeotto's Twister--oh shit, it's a Fairy-type now, isn't it! Oh, man! Major miscalculation! Probably a good thing to catch in that case.  Immune to Dragon-type and Poison-type moves? Hells yeah.

Mawile:  A Steel/Fairy-type Pokemon.  Steel/Fairy is becoming a very popular combo, especially since the only useable thing to reliably take down a Fairy is Poison.  Take that immunity from Steel typing and all she has to worry about is Fire and Ground.  I'll take that to gain another potential Mega Evolvution-eligible Pokemon.

Wow, I'm already into Box 2 with all my Pokemon.  So glad I'm not keeping track of my Pokedex values anymore.  Also, in case you were wondering, catching more Pokemon (I believe) increases your critical-capture rate, meaning it will be easier for me to catch Pokemon if I catch a lot already, so I'm catching pretty much anything cool that I can find...

Like that Cubone.  Hey, when they said "Gotta Catch 'em All", I took that shit to heart.  If you didn't catch 151 Pokemon in your first-gen game, you were an abject failure.  I did it and I'm a better person for doing so.

Cubone:  A Ground-type Pokemon.  Honestly, he's just decent, but there's such a sad lore surrounding this Pokemon that it breaks my heart not to have one.

Alright, let's head back into town and--

Hippopotas.  Need him.  Hippowdon is a monster.  Saving for later definitely.

Hippopotas:  A Ground-type Pokemon.  He becomes one of the most reliable competitive-play Pokemon in existence, and his ability used to create a damaging sandstorm that lasted for the entire battle whenever he entered.  Granted, his Special stats and Speed were awful, but everything else was off the charts and he could wipe a team clean if you taught him the right moves.

God, why do I feel the need to point out that I actually intend on training most (if not all) of these guys? This is the most modern game.  It's not like I'm going to let this simmer and stew like Red or Silver.  I can actually DO things with these guys! Have faith!

Also, part of this isn't for you; part of it is for me so that I actually have to follow through on this shit.

Okay...Fossil Lab.  Restore my Sail Fossil.  Amaura, come to me!

AWWWW, IT'S ADORABLE! I LOVE HIM!

Amaura:  A Rock/Ice-type Pokemon.  Honestly, from what I've heard, he's terrible.  Too slow and too fragile.  But hey, I already have a Tyrunt to breed as I see fit, so if the only other choice is this guy, I'm taking him regardless of stats.  Plus, he's fucking cute as shit so don't you even.

I can stay here and fawn all day, or I can make my way through the aquarium and find Cyllage City.  I'm gonna do that last one, because I only have one badge and that shit is unacceptable.  Besides, I love aquariums.

Hey, I got an Old Rod! Now, the bounties of Magikarp the seas have to offer is at my disposal! I just hope fishing is a lot easier than in Emerald.

Back to Route 8.  Let's get a move on, guys.  I want that badge and I want to see what fishing I can accomplish.

Hmm...Luvdisc, Luvdisc, and more Luvdisc.  A Water-type with nothing promising about him since Emerald where you needed an item it carried in order to reteach old moves to your Pokemon.  Fishing is not looking promising around here with the Old Rod.  Oh well.  At least I found a Mago Berry to plant later.

Huh...some bitch just gave me a Dowsing Machine? I guess this is the new Itemfinder.

So, this is Cyllage City.  Interesting place.  Time to explore people's homes and take their goods...as is custom in Kalos.

Satchet? What is Satchet and why do I need it? Dude, I'm all about free stuff, but I have no idea what this is or why I'd need it.

SON OF A BITCH! There's a guy in the fucking Pokemon Center willing to trade a Steelix for a Luvdisc?! SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT THE LUVDISC! MUST CATCH THE LUVDISC!!

There! Got one! Give me the Steelix!

...named Thumper.  Dear God...this...ugh.  This is why I don't trade with NPCs normally.  Well, let's do some comparisons between my Onix and...Thumper.

Steelix:  A Steel/Ground-type Pokemon.  His base Defense stat is 200.  The only thing that legit compares to this guy's Defense is Mega Aggron, because I don't count Shuckle...because Shuckle is broken.  Massive defensive stats and shit everything else that you can basically swap willy nilly to eventually output 315 million points of damage? What? Stop.

Okay...so the Steelix has an Impish nature, while the Onix has a Jolly nature.  The Steelix is clearly the breed-worthy Pokemon in this situation...but I'm not EV training a Steelix named Thumper.  Shit is not happening.

Oh ho! A bike shop! Nice! But, I apparently missed the chance to win a free bike...but I can apparently win one through a quiz? Oh...okay? "Do Bicycles come in more than one color?" Umm...I'm gonna say yes--?

Oh shit...okay, I won a yellow bike.  That was...a lot easier than I had expected.

OH GOD SUCH SPEED! SUCH UNBRIDLED SPEED!!!!! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS SHIT!!!

Hey, what's up this hill? Doesn't look like much--

Hey, who are you? You won the last bike race...and you just gave me the Strength HM.  BIDOOF, GET OUT HERE--!

Oh shit...that guy was the gym leader?! Damn, I am running into them left and right, aren't I? Alright, where is your gym?

It's built...into the mountain?! That's fucking sweet! Okay...I think I can take this guy.  Just gotta assemble the right team.

Let's see...this looks like a Rock-type Gym, so I'm looking for Fighting, Water, Grass, and Steel to come out on top, right? I think I've got that covered.  Grant...I'm coming for you.

Frogadier, Lv. 29

Ivysaur, Lv. 27

Lucario, Lv. 24

Combusken, Lv. 22

Steelix (goddamned Thumper), Lv. 20

Pancham, Lv. 19

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